Honey N Clover

:+: It's OkaY If It'S NoT Me! :+:

2012-01-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

It was a peaceful late-morning as always.The bright sky decorated the day. The sound of cars passing on the street once in a while in front of the houses and the sound of the non-stop recorded birds' chirping in the building behind the houses. Those what had accompanied the everyday-late-morning of the housing area. Well especially on weekdays when everyone had probably settled in their office by that time. The field in front of her house often reminded her of all the times spent with her childhood bestfriend. Having meals together there. Plucking cherries from the tree there. And even dancing bollywood dance in the middle of the field. There were no worries. No time to glance at what people might say. Not even a chance to think of a broken-heart.

She had always afraid of rejection. That should be the main reason for her self-confidence lacking. Not to mention the reason why she often decided not to TRY. Or even to defend herself in certain situation. Because deep down in her heart when she's rejected (in any occasion), she would say to herself "I deserve it!"

All this time she had always fought with herself. The black and the white she. There were black things she often craved to do but the white kept her away from it. There were black feelings she felt and as always the white begged her not to continue it. She must admit sometimes the white won but sometimes the black did. And every time the white won she always felt God loved her very much that He kept her from going too far, doing too much. And every time the black won, she tend to feel guilty but kept doing it, knowing that it's BLACK. Although she tried to convince herself that she wouldn't go too far or she wouldn't acknowledge what she was doing as right and she wouldn't even recommend it to others, it was still BLACK!

'A good man for a good woman, a good woman for a good man' they said. She tried to fix herself with all the everyday life-journey-to-learn. She had always believed that when she tried to change for Allah, someone whom He had chosen for her would do the same. She learnt to improve herself though sometimes she collapsed a little. "Changing for the better was indeed not an easy task!" she thought.

It hadn't been long since that day really came to her. The day she had been wondering all this time. As a matter of fact, she couldn't expect it to come at that time. She was perplexed. She tried hard to think of what she should say but her mind had made a point that the lack of self-confidence in her had her words lost its way to her brain. She didn't know what to do but to just smile. In fact, she didn't even know what to think. There was a time she was asking questions. But she herself didn't even know what those questions really meant. And there was time she was speaking as if giving advice but she herself didn't know what was that advice really for. She just wanted to fill the awkward situation with conversation. There was a time she felt like crying. But then there's a part of her saying "No, I shouldn't cry. Never did I cry in front of him. Why should I now? Why should I expose my tears -that I've always successfully kept from a person called a guy- now that he's saying goodbye?" So smile was the easiest thing to do at that time. Moreover, she had no more desire to speak thus let the silent took place.

She'd never forget those days when she kept that story just to herself for some time because she was hoping to focus on her priority (mid-terms, quizzes etc which happened to be a few days in a row of that same week). Those days when she pretended to focus on her revision in the library while her heart almost exploded, holding the pain. The day she spent hours in the car bursting out what she should have few hours before. Those days she walked to classes wearing glasses (which she seldom did) just to cover the frustration that exhibited through the eyes. The night she cried while watching him acting on the stage, making a boy sitting on the next three chairs from hers perplexed as if the play was really sad and heart-wrenching. Those early mornings she woke up sitting on her bed, leaning on to the wall, in the dark looking at her roommates who were still in deep sleep, and tears started flowing again, thinking of how would that day change her life thereafter. Though she knew that one day the end of those days would surely come and the pain would willingly go, still she'd pampered herself to just feel the pain for the time being and slowly cure it by reflecting to what she had done all this time.

It was not a verbally declared relationship of a boy and a girl. It was not even proved by actions in their daily life. In fact they just lived normally like they always did. No planned meeting (should we say dating???). (Except for a few one-minute meetings to hand over gifts sometimes). No constant texting to each other. It was not a constant planned relationship should she say. Nor a serious promises made by each other. But she couldn't deny that there were surely hopes which connected their feelings. Hopes made and given. Hopes which happened to be a strength to turn it into reality.

She really didn't mean to be selfish and leave the matter unsettled nor did she mean to let him puzzled all that week. She just thought to wait until all her mid-term exams and quizzes ended so that she could clear her mind and responded in a most appropiate way. It didn't take long for her to figure out that that was just His way of presenting the fate. (She wasn’t meant for him and he wasn’t meant for her). Slowly and softly. And absolutely no one to be blamed. Just as fast as time flew, it was that fast a heart could change. She often mourned for the heart changing though she knew it wasn't his fault. "It's a fate." She kept reminding herself. " And if I'm blaming him, it is as if I'm blaming HIM who has decided everything for a reason." That’s why she just needed to clear what had to be cleared and didn’t even think of pleading him to have a second thought. Maybe her mother’s words had ingrained in her that it didn’t even cross her mind to beg him to stay. Words unfolded by her mother everytime she watched any drama scene where the girl was chasing over the boy and begging and pleading and crying just to make him stay with her, “Don’t you ever become like this! If he said no, then just walk away and move on!” At that time, she didn’t even bother to think of asking him why and how. All she wanted was to just end it right there. While he kept saying sorry, she kept defining it as merely out of courtesy.

After some time she realized that inside of her, there was still dissatisfaction dangled. Though she always comforted her heart and mind with all the no-one-to-be-blamed fate fact, she as a matter-of-factly couldn’t deny the broken-heart she had in her. She often reminded herself that this fate had made it fair and square between them; -she once had broken his heart and now it's her turn to feel it. Somehow another part of her kept interrupting and disagreeing with the comfort she should ingrain in her; -that she never left him for someone else, this time he did. She thought all this time they were sharing a same thought of how to make the relationship worked. But now that it became this way, she was confused. Seeing and hearing about him and his partner often spending time together, what’s with all the words to stay away from a polluted relationship? What’s with all the trust in Allah in order not to go too far beyond the limit? She didn't mean to make him look bad, but all those words she received from him not long ago were all coming back to her as if it was just delivered yesterday. She wondered how he simply forgot all the interests shared, the personal stories exchanged, the dreams hoped for. And she even wondered if he ever forgot it, she had his words defining as 'he wanted to marry her someday.'

She had always reminded herself that hopes were merely hopes. And the reality might go against it. So whatever happens she must be ready for what the days ahead would bring to her. And silently she prayed that if ever the hopes were not meant to be a reality, she'd rather be the heart-broken one instead of the heart-breaker, for she really couldn't imagine how to break him. Again! Now that it really happened, she could let a sigh of relief, right? Though it's hard, she knew she should. Even though she couldn't deny the frustration and disappointment deep down, she must admit that God has answered her prayer well.

Now that she finally came to her full senses she'd take all the frustration and dissatisfaction as merely a bad plan of evil to drown her in the perverted thought. She didn't want to put the blame on anyone. (As she always reminded herself : "I deserve the rejection though!") Especially him. He was just caught in a situation where he could only solve his problem by hurting others when he didn't really mean to. She was sure that it had taught him well. Well at least she knew it had taught her very well. She didn’t want to become an enemy to anyone. Even to him. She could still greet him on the street. She didn’t even intend to pretend as if she didn’t know him that’s for sure. Because truth will always stay as truth. Fact will always remain fact. Moving on is a must. For we all know what we’re actually living for.

‘Changing towards self-improvement for the sake of Allah.’ The changing process doesn't stop right there. That story was just a tiny part of her life. She knows she shouldn’t take it as an excuse to mourn all her life. It is not an excuse for her to stop putting effort in becoming a better person. The dreams she has sketched with him being in it, should be erased. And replaced with something even more convincing; -with Allah’s guidance. The focus right now is herself. It has to keep going. A change for the better. It has always been hard. And will continue to be. But 'giving up' should never be on the to-do list of this journey of life.

Now she could finally set the feeling free. Because from the moment she always asked herself "Why it can't be me?", she knew that eventually this day would come. The day that she could finally say,

"It's okay if it's not me."

:+: TeaR DroPs On ThE AiR :+:

2011-04-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

For the sun You shine for us.

For the moon You light for us.

For the rain that refreshes the day once in a while.

There are days when the sky is crying, I apologize for all the sins I make you see.

There are times the sky drops the tears on the air, I’m thanking you for all the truth you make me see.

If I’m leaving today, I want to leave like your tears that flanked by HIS blessing…that liven up the earth for weeks even with your one-day tears.

As I’m captivated by the sky’s tear drops, a friend texted me, “Kalau nabi berdoa – Ya Allah, kuatkan Islam dengan ‘Umar – Jom kita doa – Ya Allah, kuatkan kami dengan Islam. Moga sama2 berjaya dan dapat jodoh yang soleh-”

Aamiin aamiin aamiin.

I wish I wish…I hope I hope!

:+: DoN’t LeAvE Me HoPe :+:

2011-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

Just when I ponder my behavior and relationship with everyone in my life, I found myself always jump to the conclusion that the only two persons I believe would always accept me - in no matter condition I am, how dull, boring, ponderous and unreasonable person I am and how unheeded I’ve become - are my parents. While others…would have other priorities to take care of instead of putting effort to please me whenever I’ve become the types of person mentioned.

If any of you think you know someone in and out, I beg you to rethink. Don’t just simply say that to anyone just because you’ve been sharing the whole life together. Because there are a lot inside which is still kept hidden. It doesn’t need to be revealed all. For it might just leave scars in our heart. Please don’t say you know me well. For I might hurt deeply inside in case something comes up between us. Conversely, if you never say you know me well, I can consider it’s okay if I’m hurt by your words because you happen to say it when you don’t really know me.

I might seem clueless to what happen among us..but I’m actually observing. I might seem indifferent to what have we been doing..but I’m actually figuring it out. I might seem to have nothing to worry..but I actually dread the consequences. Thinking that we share almost everything together, I let all those things unheard. I don’t know where to start, how to begin. Somehow someday..I hope we can together make it right. I hope we all can remind each other. I hope we all can understand each other without hesitation to let everything out. Just when I think about all these things, this question keeps appearing in my mind.. “Do I think I’m good enough to say that?” And continuously I’m convincing myself, “No. I’m not good enough to say that. That’s why I’m hoping we could share the same thought that we’d like to mutually improve ourselves. With each other’s help.”

I hope… I hope…

And by contemplating what have we been through all this life, I’ve come to accidentally persuade myself that even if you all are not around in times of need, it’s okay. I myself need to build the courage. You might think I’m such a ridiculous to say all this. But it’s the reality. We can’t say the time where we have to choose between two priorities won’t come. Because the fate is not in our hands. We might be able to share our happiness together but we can’t certainly say that we can always share the intricacies as well. For that I’m hoping that all of us won’t make any promise to always be there. As I can’t bring myself to it either. Just live our life like usual. When we think we’re available, just come and sit beside each other without promising each other anything else. And if we think we have no time to spare for each other, it’s fine. Come and make ourselves understand that we all have our own different way.

:+: He WaS ThE FiRsT PeRsOn I SpoKE To :+:

2011-02-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

Not long ago, when I first entered main campus I was looking for something that can cheer my student life besides studying. So together with my roommates we filled up the form. There is a number of community service clubs provided in the campus. So we numbered our choices from one to three.

So at this one night which its day was the day I submitted the form, I received an sms saying that I was invited to a meeting of this one club. I was wondering how quick I got the invitation whereas my roommates submitted the form a few days before me and still didn’t get any invitation. Actually at first, I faltered to go as that club was not my first choice, it was my second choice instead. But then thinking that maybe this was the only invitation I’d receive (without knowing that we can actually just register in any club even without invitation), I decided to go.

I went to the meeting with one of my roommates, hoping that she could join in the club as well even though she didn’t receive the invitation. As usual, as freshies we really hesitated to go in the meeting venue which was a class. Afraid, shy and every feeling had smeared us. There we saw a guy who kept coming in and out of that class, alternating his destination to that class and the other. My roommate and I still hesitated to go inside or even asked the guy whether my roommate may join the club despite of not receiving any invitation.

After quite a while, I gathered my strength and tried to put away my shyness to call him. So I hesitantly called him and gave a finger signal to come near us. He just smiled and approached us. I asked him what we wanted to ask him and smilingly he said that they were all welcoming anyone who wanted to join the club. Thus we entered the class with joy and relief.

As we were in there, we got to find out that the guy was actually the president of that club. He seemed like a very caliber person to us. Respectable. The way he spoke. The way he conducted the program.

So I move along my student life as a part of AKHIans. Though I only get to be under his presidency for just quite a while before he graduated and let his presidency off, it was enough to make me grow respect towards him. He was a great president. He started joining AKHI Club ever since his first semester in main campus and stayed with AKHI Club until he graduated. He even managed to get himself an offer as a motivator under Telaga Biru Management even before graduating. So he accepted the offer after graduating.

As usual, when we organized programs in AKHI we’d invite all the senior trainers even they are all graduated. Some of them do come, still giving support to us in succeeding our programs. And those include him. Loyally he’d come, give us support and throw some tips to us about mentoring and about everything.

I may not as close as everybody else to him. But still it was about enough to say that he was one of the people who had motivated me to work hard in community service activity especially with those children. When we invited him to give a talk in our program, he’d tirelessly give every tips and secrets on how to succeed as a mentor or in guiding people. And without payment of course.

But starting from today, we can never invite him anymore to our program. We can never ask him anymore about tips and secrets on mentoring. We can never hear him talk and laugh together anymore whenever he makes jokes. And I can never smile and greet him with salam as I bow my head anymore whenever seeing him in programs. Because this morning 15^th February, 12 Rabi’ul awwal he had returned to his creator. Our creator. He met with a horrific accident last night and breathed his last breath around 3 early this morning.

إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون

Al-fatihah to Abang Mohd Ikhwan Mohd Jamil.

May Allah bless his soul and place him together with solihin.

And may Allah give strength to his family to accept the fate sincerely.

Aamiin.

Continue reading here

:+: OuR 2010 B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y.S :+:

2011-01-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

Birth date : Dhiah – 19th May
Ecah – 30th May

Celebration date : forgotten ;)

Time : Around 7-8pm
Venue : Bilik Ecah

Strategic plan and action : Waiting for Ecah (she finished her class around 7pm) in her room with the help of her roommates. All her roommates were out then. So there we were. Five of us…waiting in the dark. With the cake and other meals. All hand phones were silenced. Fan was switched off. Not even one single light was on. As soon as kami dengar bunyi kunci Ecah, kami bersiap-sedia sambil hati pun melompat-lompat. Nervous de! Dengan penuh hati-hati kami dengar empunya badan switched on the light kat ruang depan bilik. And when she withdrew her compartment’s curtain, Dayah percikkan sikit air kat dia…making herself a little wet…and terdiam. Haha. Kami apa lagi…gelak je la. Lepas tu kami tenangkan dia dan mulalah acara makan-makan kami. Tapi kejutan tidak berhenti setakat itu. It was supposed to be a surprise to Ecah with Dhiah as the ‘program manager’. And Dijah and Grah ditugaskan membeli kek. Tapi awal-awal dah bagitau Dhiah yang kek takde memandangkan hari tu cuti. So hampa lah sikit perasaan Dhiah. Tapi tiba-tiba je kek muncul. Not only nama Ecah yang terpampang kat kek tu. Padahal nama Dhiah pun ada sekali. Ketahuilah rupanya kami telah mengubah plan asal Dhiah untuk menganjurkan surprise buat Ecah kepada surprise buat Dhiah dan Ecah. Hush!! ^_^

Yang ni tah macam mana orang kedai tu tertinggal huruf E. Sedih Ecah. Heh.

Birth date : Djah – 18th July

Celebration date : forgotten ;)

Time : Around 6pm

Venue : Edu class

Strategic plan and action : It was almost twilight. Around 6pm. Five of us gathered in Edu building in one of the classes…preparing the meals and so on. Not really preparing. It was more to arranging. Heh. So the plan was to call Djah and told her that Grah tercedera sewaktu turun dari tangga di Edu. Dan nak dijadikan cerita dia tertinggal kad matrik di bilik. So Dayah yang berpura-pura terserempak dengan Grah di Edu telah menelefon Djah dan memintanya membawa kad matrik Grah untuk Grah pergi ke klinik. Djah yang cemas terus la tergesa-gesa pergi ke Edu. Mula-mula agak kesian nak buat agenda macam tu, tapi kami teruskan jugak. Keh keh keh. Sampai aje Djah di tempat yang dijanjikan…apa lagi teruslah kami surprisekan dia. Dan lebih kasihan lagi..Djah yang tergesa-gesa keluar bilik sebab bimbangkan bestfriend dia jatuh tangga, rupanya tak menyempat nak sarung stoking. Huhuhu. Djah djah…maafkan kami ye! ^_^

Birth date : Grah – 12th Oct

Celebration date – forgotten ;)

Time : Around 5pm

Venue : Edu Cafe

Strategic plan and action : Dhiah dah sms Grah awal-awal pagi…nak ajak makan petang sama-sama sebagai hadiah hari lahir yang Dhiah belum berkesempatan nak bagi masa 12 okt. In addition, Dhiah kenakan syarat. Jangan bagitau Farah. Nanti dia kecik hati tak ajak dia sekali. Walhal aku sedikit pun tidak heran. Sebabnya aku pun terlibat sekali dalam plan tu. Ngeh ngeh ngeh. So sewaktu habis kelas, terbitlah kegusaran di wajah Grah tatkala aku bertanya dia mahu ke mana sedangkan kebiasaannya kami akan pulang ke mahalah bersama-sama selepas kelas. Aku pun terus buat muka selamba dan berjalan mengikut haluan yang berbeza. Tetapi tiba-tiba ada pulak classmate yang mengoffer untuk balik bersama-sama ke mahalah dengan kereta. Aku pun apa lagi berpura-pura lah setuju di depan Grah. Kami melalui haluan yang sama pada mulanya. Bila Grah dah leading jalan dan menuju ke Edu Café, aku yang di belakang terus je bagitau classmate tadi tak jadi nak balik sama-sama. Then apa lagi…terus la aku lari cepat-cepat mengikut laluan yang agak jauh (to avoid Grah nampak) nak pergi jumpa Ecah dekat kedai kek. After that kami berdua bawaklah kek tu kat tempat Dhiah dan Grah duduk. Apa lagi Grah terkesima la. Hohoho. Tapi sedikit kekurangan, tym ni tak cukup korum. Sebabnya Dijah balik rumah. Dayah pulak ada hal. Apa-apa pun mereka tetap mengirim salam sayang dan hadiah. ^_^

Birth date : Farah – 10th Dec

Dayah – 28th Dec

Celebration date : 10th Jan 2011

Time : 8.30pm

Venue : Restoran Seafood in Batu Caves

Strategic plan and action : Dhiah dah ajak makan luar lama dah. Kononnya sebagai ganti aktiviti yang dulu…kami berlima keluar makan tanpa Dhiah sebab Dhiah ada program lain. So hari ni terjadilah perancangan itu. Sampai je kat restoran Dhiah keluarkan something dari kereta yang kami sewa tu. It was a cake!! Rupanya awal-awal Dhiah dah letak kek tu dalam kereta tu before tuan punya kereta menyerahkan kereta tu kepadaku. Isk3! Kata Dhiah..ingatkan nak pergi restoran dulu. Lepas tu baru beberapa orang pergi kat kereta amik kek. Tapi disebabkan kereta diletakkan agak jauh dari lokasi restoran, maka kek tu dikeluarkan terus. Dan surprise nye berlaku di situ saje. Hihihi. Kami pun menuju ke restoran. Restoran yang kami nak tuju tu tutup pulak. Pastu pergi la restoran sebelah. Makanlah kami kek yang enak tu di restoran tu sambil bergambar. Around 9.25pm kami pun bertolak pulang ke kampus.

Seronok memiliki teman seperti kalian. Bukan sebab suka buat surprise-surprise birthday. But because of our bond. Sangat unik bila difikir-fikirkan. Kenal since kat matrik lagi. Boleh rapat sampai sekarang. Even though Dhiah and Ecah have converted their course from BAR to TASL, they are still close to me. Dhiah – shares the same hometown with me. So most of the time we go home together. Ecah – lives in the same block with me. And my room is just one level above hers. Dayah – though we’re not in the same course and have not been in the same class for years, but now we meet again in minor course classes. Amazing! ^_^ Not to mention Djah and Grah – we share most of the classes together. Even though makin lama makin tak sama, tapi at least there are still a few classes that we can spend time together, sit together and build a team together in finishing assignments. Not only we share classes or block or mahalah, I must say we’ve shared a lot of things together. Personal or professional things. Thank you very much ya akhawaat! May Allah bless our friendship.

D.D.D.E.F.G أبدا !!!

InsyaAllah… ^_^

جزاكنّ الله خيرا

:+: G.R.O.W.I.N.G U.P :+:

2010-12-30T09:29:00.001-08:00

As I grow older, now I realize that I’m actually scared to grow even older.

:+: ToKi-tOki :+:

2010-10-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

أنا لستُ عالمة ولكنني لا أريد أن أكون جاهلة

أنا لستُ طيبة ولكنني لا أريد أن أكون فاسدة

أنا لستُ وَرِعة ولكنني لا أريد أن أكون مُذنِبة

أنا لستُ ملائكة ولكنني لا أريد أن أكون شيطانا

أنا هي أنا

التي تتوخّى الفرصة لتحسين نفسها

التي لا تستغني عن الهداية لتكون إنسانا عائشا في الإدراك

وإنسانا متنفِّسا في فهم عميق

وإنسانا ناظرا بعين القلب

وإنسانا متفكرا بالعقل الحكمة

بأنّنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون

أستغفر الله العظيم

Aku tak alim tapi aku tak mahu jadi bodoh

Aku tak baik tapi aku tak mahu jadi jahat

Aku tak wara’ tapi aku tak mahu terus hanyut menjadi pendosa

Aku bukan malaikat tapi aku tak mahu jadi syaitan

Aku hanyalah aku

Yang mengharapkan peluang untuk berusaha memperbaiki diri

Yang membutuhkan petunjuk untuk berterusan menjadi insan yang hidup dalam kesedaran

Insan yang bernafas dalam pengertian yang mendalam

Insan yang memandang dengan mata hati

Insan yang berfikir dengan akal berhikmah

Bahawa sesungguhnya kita dari Allah dan kepadaNya jua kita kembali.

Astaghfirullahal’azim.

:+: TaSuKeTTe :+:

2010-10-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

I need you to together with me fight every barrier between me n HIM. I need you to be the power for me to keep myself in the straight path. I need you to supply me a passion in dauntless effort in searching for HIS redha. I need you! Really!

Oh hati! Kuatlah! Tolonglah kuat!

:+: LamE. Don’T BeCoMe OnE! :+:

2010-10-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever known someone who claimed that they are alone…doing this and that alone? In their blog, they’re making it sound like they are some kind of an attractive person physically with a beautiful personal trait (introvert) and always do stuffs by themselves without others. They’re making it sound like they are the most pitiful person in this world for having to do everything by themselves…away from family. And they also sound like they are the most independent person for having to solve every problem by themselves…without even one family member around to help. Somehow, you know this person and actually what had happened all their life is opposite of what they’ve said. Haish!! Orang macam ni aku hangin betol la!!

It is still accepted to say that you sometimes feel alone. In college. Doing things by yourself. Missing family like crazy and always got the feeling to go home. SOMETIMES! It’s approved ok! But saying that you are a quiet type and alone in the college (forever??), don’t you think it’s too much to attract others? I admit you ARE physically attractive. And maybe you are pendiam la among your friends. But with all the pictures and personal life you described, to say that you’re a-very-alone person is sooo unaccepted lol! Throwing parties, outing with friends to wherever you want whenever you want. And you called yourself an introvert? ~~Fake!~~

Looking back, by sounding pitiful because you suffer loneliness, don’t you think you’re like deceiving your buddies? Don’t you feel happy being with them at the parties and jalan-jalan satu Malaysia together? ARE you ALONE at those times? Watch out with what you’re saying! You don’t want someone to feel hurt because of you, don’t you? When some problems occurred, you claimed it’s a difficulty to you (of course la it’s a difficulty when facing problems) and you sounded like you’re alone to solve it. Pleeeeaaaassseee looollll…….I know your friends who often help you lol! And it’s impossible for you to solve it alone…knowing your real perempuan-melayu-terakhir personality. Certain problems maybe yes you’re solving them alone. But certain others nope. You do need somebody!

I don’t know what loneliness means to you. If you’re saying loneliness is being here in the college without any other family member around, then I bet everyone is alone. Including me. Mana ada orang bawak mak duduk sekali dalam kolej? Kalau ada, memang aku salute habis la. Aku pon nak bawak mak duduk sekali dengan aku dalam kolej yang sempit ni ha. Tak lah lonely2 gitu ye!

Most importantly, don’t often say you’re alone (real alone) because you might deceive someONE most important without you even realizing it. GOD. HE’s always with us.

Appreciate our friends! We can’t deny that they’re the ones who have been filling our daily life with fun and laughter when we’re away from our beloved family.

Be thankful! That we still have a family to be remembered, to be missed, to be loved. Even they’re far away from us right now, they still share the same sky and earth with us.

Be really thankful and appreciate HIM! For always being there with us. With all the pleasure by HIS grace each day and each moment.

WE’RE NOT ALONE!

You’re beautiful and attractive. You have the personality that people would love to know you closer or even guys would love to have you as their queen -Even I got the envy not to have the perempuan-melayu-terakhir personality traits like you do- You don’t need another trait which is not you to make you sound more attractive and interesting. You sure don’t want to be called lame, darling!

:+: I WanT My OwN WinDoW :+:

2010-10-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

They want it for the fan. I want it for it itself. They can take the ~~damn~~ fan. But I want it more than they ever treasure it. I hate it when the curtains are drawn before the time. I need the light of the day. I want the view of the twilight. It’s only 6.10pm lol!!

Sigh…!!!

:+: LuLLabY :+:

2010-10-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

It’s raining! It’s raining!

The old man is snoring.

He jumps into bed and bumps his head.

Couldn’t get up in the morning!

Miss those five ^_^

:+: Give U, GivE U Not! :+:

2010-10-18T11:53:00.001-07:00

She wants my attention. But I don’t feel like giving any.

Jahatnya aku!

:+: I PraY FoR ReaL TranQuiLitY :+:

2010-10-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

It’s almost 8.30pm. Walking out of the library, it sounds like the stomach is singing. That’s when I decided to go to the café nearby to grab something to eat. Just when I reached the door of the café, I stopped. “No, I’m not hungry!” At least I was pretty sure I wasn't hungry. So I walked back to the ground floor headed to the ATM, thinking of filling up the almost-empty purse. But it was out of service. “Sorry Miss Pursey! Guess you have to wait again and just appreciate the one red note and a few blue notes and coins you have in there.”From there I walked under the night sky. The new crescent moon accompanied my walk. When I reached the engineering building, I noticed it was no longer in front of me. It was behind me. "So you're trying to be my guardian, huh?" I smiled and continued my walk.

I decide to trust my instinct now. I think it’s bringing me to a real world. To a reality. To a fact. To a veracity which I should hold tight in my heart long ago instead of seldom failed to do so for I myself didn’t try hard to hold onto it.

To the star and the mountain : It was never your fault for me to feel that way before. And it never is. You don’t hold any responsibility for it. I do. Maybe I understand what you’re trying to do now. So I will take a superior step. For the betterment of myself if not for you. Even if my assumption about what are you trying to do is totally against your intention, I won’t regret and I won’t lose anything. So do you. Therefore, all the dreams that have been carved long ago, I should put them aside for I am finally starting to feel that they are all just an excuse for me to long for something I shouldn’t. They are all just an ensnared rope for me to hold onto something I shouldn’t. This might sound like a despondency. Somehow from the positive perspective, it is a courageous and fervent step to refute the fragility of my heart and the vulnerability of my mind. Thank you for everything. Indirectly this liaison has taught me a lot. All credits go to HIM. Alhamdulillah.

I want to live my life normally. Without despair for something vague whether it will result me into happiness or otherwise. I want to enjoy every moment of my life with my beloved family and friends without regretting for not being there whenever they need me to. For that I need love. The true-aimed love. The real love. YOUR love. For me to spread it to others.

Ya Allah... We implore YOUR forgiveness for everything we’ve done. Purify our heart. Cleanse it the way it should be cleansed. We crave for your nuur. We yearn for your hidayah. We beg for your compassion. We pray for your mercy to liberate us from any depraving path and choice. We seek for YOUR generosity to grant us a sturdy willpower to change ourselves into a better muslim each and everyday. We hope for YOUR grace to make us feel redha with everything YOU planned for us. We want to love YOU above all the others. We want to put our hope only on YOU without letting ourselves hurt by others. We pray for ni’mah of awareness of how YOU are the only one who never let us down, never leaves us. We worship none other but YOU.

Thus, however my path would be, whatever branch I’d go through, I hope it’s in YOUR protection. Under YOUR guidance. Flanked by strength granted by YOU. Whenever there is a battle between angel and demon in myself, I pray for YOUR guidance to be the supporter of the angel instead of the demon. I pray for YOUR kindness to grant a real tranquility towards YOUR siratul mustaqim, for me, my family, my teachers, my friends, and entire muslimin and muslimat.

Aamiin.

And now I’m sure I wasn’t hungry for food. Perhaps it was a hunger of right decision. Because right now, I’m totally full without eating.

الحمد لله

:+: I’m So SoRry Miss Yari :+:

2010-10-08T08:18:00.001-07:00

Miss Yari fell down onto the ground this afternoon. I didn’t know how I slipped it from my bag. So there it went onto the tarred road. The shiny skin now settled with a few wounds. So does the back of the skin.

Alhamdulillah your inner organs weren't injured and you weren't bad enough to be admitted into the hospital. I’m so sorry I was careless. I deplore I wasn’t careful enough. Still I treasure you a lot My Miss SE Yari. Huhu.

:+: BeTTeR Off :+:

2010-10-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

The way to forget is not by forgetting.

It’s by not to remembering.

And not to mentioning.

I miss my HOMIES….!!!!

:+: TaRBiyYah HaTi MenDeKaTi Al-KhaLiQ :+:

2010-10-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

Usrah hari ni sangat seronok. Dah lama tak rasa seseronok ni. Agaknya sebelum ni selalu pergi usrah dengan lemah hati kot. Berterusan pergi ‘dengan keterpaksaan’ sebab nak didik hati supaya tak jemu hadiri majlis ilmu. Hari ni mungkinkah natijahnya? Heh. Alhamdulillah. Tapi hati tetap hati. Nafsu tetap nafsu. Selamanya harus dididik. Setiap waktu setiap detik.

Hari ini seperti biasa usrah dimulakan dengan tadarrus dan tadabbur kalamillahi ta’ala. Kemudian sedikit pembentangan daripada salah seorang ahli tentang surah al-ghashiyah. Setelah bertangguh selama beberapa minggu lamanya, hari ni terlaksana jua pembentangan tu oleh seorang yang bernama aku. Heh.

Kemudian Kak Sabiqah menyambung perbincangan tentang tauhid. Perbincangan yang berkesinambungan daripada beberapa minggu yang dulu kerana beberapa minggu yang selepasnya kami banyak menyentuh tentang sejarah para sahabat. Pada beberapa minggu yang dulu kami membincangkan soal rukun iman. Rukun iman yang pertama – BERIMAN KEPADA ALLAH. Di dalam perbincangan ini kami membincangkan tentang bagaimana kita mahu mendidik hati dan jiwa kita untuk beriman dengan kewujudan, kekuasaan dan keesaan Allah.

Pertama, dengan memerhatikan, merenungkan, menganalisa MAKANAN. Ya, makanan! Sejak dalam rahim ibu lagi kita dibekalkan dengan makanan. Menunjukkan bahawa sedari awal Allah telah menciptakan fitrah manusia yang berperasaan lapar. Err…lapar itu perasaankah? Heh apa-apa aja lah.

Kemudian sementelah dilahirkan ke bumi rengekan si bayi meminta susu. Kenapa susu? Kenapa tidak roti kentang Babush? Roti John E-voke? Sirap bandung kedai mamak? Mahupun roti cheese cafe Econs? Kerana fitrah itulah yang Allah ciptakan untuk kita. Susu untuk tumbesaran seorang manusia yang bernama bayi.

Meningkat dewasa, pelbagai makanan mula singgah di kerongkong. Renung-renungkanlah bahan-bahan yang digunakan untuk menyediakan hidangan itu sendiri dari mana datangnya. Bukankah dari alam yang luas ciptaan Allah ini? Kalau bukan kerana tumbuh-tumbuhan yang segar dan daging haiwan yang enak dikunyah yang dijadikan Allah, dapatkah kita menikmati segala macam hidangan yang terdapat masa kini.

Renungkan pula pada penyediaan makanan tersebut setelah semua bahan yang diperlukan berjaya dikumpulkan. Kalau bukan kerana ilham yang dikurniakan Allah kepada tukang masak tersebut, akan terhasilkah roti kentang Babush? Roti John E-voke? Sirap bandung kedai mamak? Mahupun roti cheese café Econs? Ketuk minda tanya diri sendiri. Jangan tanya mamak!

Hari ini perbincangan usrah disambung tentang bagaimana mendidik hati dan jiwa beriman kepada Allah. Iaitu dengan merenungkan, menganalisa, memerhatikan KEDIAMAN DAN KEDAMAIAN kita. Perhatikan kediaman yang kita diami sekarang bersama keluarga tersayang. Pernahkah terfikir akar-umbi kewujudan rumah itu sendiri?

Kayu-kayan, batu-bata, paku-paku dan sebagainya semuanya daripada sumber ciptaan Allah. Dan dengan izin Allah lah bahan-bahan tersebut dapat disediakan. Pernahkah terfikir kalaulah batu-batu dan pokok-pokok bisa bertutur dan berperasaan, mengerang kesakitanlah mereka kala ditukul-tukul, diketuk-ketuk mahupun dikapak-kapak. Maka semuanya kembali kepada Allah. Dengan izinnya, mereka ini tidak bertutur dan tidak berperasaan.

Proses pembinaan rumah ada yang mengambil masa yang lama. Ada juga yang sekejap-sekejap sahaja. Siapa pula yang bertanggungjawab membentuk bahan-bahan binaan tadi menjadi sebuah objek besar yang mampu menampung lebih sedozen manusia? Dari mana mereka tahu menghasilkan objek tersebut? Maka jika renungkan sedalam-dalamnya kita dapat kaitkan hubungan Allah dalam setiap perkara dalam hidup kita. Kalau bukan Allah yang mengurniakan nikmat kebijaksanaan membina rumah kepada manusia, siapa lagi? Kalau bukan Allah yang mengurniakan nikmat kebijaksanaan membina rumah kepada manusia, bagaimana manusia mahu menghasilkan kediaman yang mempunyai kedamaian?

Rumahku syurgaku. Itulah ungkapan yang sering dilaung-laungkan. Kenapa? Kerana di situlah dirasakan kedamaian dan kebahagiaan dengan kehadiran orang-orang tersayang. Di situlah tempat berteduh kala panas dan hujan. Rumah itulah yang selalu didamba kala cuti semester menjelang. Dan kedamaian itu kalau bukan kerana dengan izin Allah, tidak mungkin wujud.

Kesimpulannya : setiap perkara yang berlaku, bergerak, tercipta dalam dunia ni, kita perlu kaitkan dengan Allah. Renungkan sedalam-dalamnya asal-usul sesuatu ciptaan itu. Barulah kita dapat benar-benar merasai kewujudan Allah dan betapa Allah itu ada setiap masa untuk hamba-hambaNya. Kata Kak Sabiqah terdapat tiga golongan orang yang berfikir :

Golongan 1 : Cantiknya rumah tu!

Golongan 2 : Cantiknya rumah tu! Mesti arkitek rumah tu seorang yang kreatif.

Golongan 3 : Cantiknya rumah tu! Mesti arkitek rumah tu seorang yang kreatif. Bertuah sungguh dia dikurniakan kelebihan itu oleh Allah.

Tahu bagaimana membezakan ketiga-tiga golongan tersebut? Senang bukan? =)

Note : Babush, E-voke, Kedai mamak dan Café Econs adalah sebahagian café yang terdapat di uia Gombak. Harap maklum!

:+: UneXpeCteD 2Nd ViSiT :+:

2010-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

It was really unexpected to be visiting another hospital after visiting one just a few days before. Receiving the news made me really shocked. “She broke her leg and needed an operation,” they said. Two of my friends met with an accident on Saturday afternoon on their way back to uia after attending one of our colleagues’ open house. They were riding a motorcycle and suddenly with Allah’s fate, hit the divider. Alhamdulillah one of them wasn’t badly-injured. However the other one was admitted into the hospital.

So we went to HKL by bus yesterday’s afternoon. When we reached the ward, I was leading to look for the face I’d recognize. I was blinking more than twice before really capturing that face. I was shocked. “They didn’t tell me about the face.” My heart grumbled.

So I went closer and reached her hand and hugged her. I really didn’t know what to say to greet her. I was shocked. I almost cried to see her. I never felt this way visiting someone in the hospital. And that time I was thinking maybe this is the first time I’m visiting someone I know -not merely know. But have been knowing each other for long and had been together in more than a few activities- who happened to be badly-injured (for me if not for others). Her left leg was cemented. Her upper right lip was stitched. And a long red-line scratch right from her upper right lip -where it was stitched- up to her swollen right cheek.

She seemed hard to talk. Yet she would still affably chat with us.

It crushed me seeing her drinking water with the spoon, gently offering by one of her best friends. How Allah made all this to give lessons to all of us!

As the day grew darker, we were ready to excuse ourselves. I hugged her goodbye hoping to give her some affection and spirit to get through all that strongly. So did everybody else. Before really leaving, I hugged her once again. Deeply this time. Got to whisper a few words to her, hoping to make her feel a little better if not much…and ended it with a sincere kiss on her left cheek.

You asked me to pray for you, it’s not necessary actually for insyaAllah you’re always in my du’a. Get well soon sisters! Sya…see you next week. And Haini…see you another semester. We’ll be waiting for you and keep praying for you both!

شفاكما الله يا أختي المحبوبتين !

Tidak ada suatu musibah pun yang menimpa seseorang kecuali dengan izin Allah; dan barangsiapa yang beriman kepada Allah niscaya Dia akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu.

(At-Taghaabun : 11)

:+: I CaN’t HeaR YoU :+:

2010-09-30T11:07:00.001-07:00

The sky is beautiful. Bright and cheerful. The birds are chirping and singing to the rhythm of my heart. I don’t know what kind of rhythm. Yet I’m sure it’s a rhythm of undecided.

I try hard not to just follow what my heart says. Because lately it seems that I can’t trust my own heart anymore. I can’t seem to have a deep instinct anymore to decide what I suppose to do AND feel. It always alternates. Here and there. This and that. The more I walk in this earth, the more choices appear, the more difficult to choose, the more irritating I become, the more fear I feel.

Maybe the time isn’t coming yet. So the decision is held unknown.

They think I like the whole things happened.

They curse for I am waiting for the star to fall. But they don’t know I didn’t force myself to. Even I tried so many times before to get over it. Somehow it remains there…in the deepest of my heart.

To the star : I trained myself to accept the fact that maybe I’m not the planet for you to fall onto. But the old-dreams keep playing in my mind…making me feel like not letting all the dreams go without achievement.

They asked me. So I answered what I truly feel.

They admire me for being loyal to the mountain. Somehow after longer time I started to think am I really being loyal? Or I’m just trying not to be called unfaithful?

To the mountain : I don’t even know if you ever ‘see’ me anymore. Or need me to climb on you and grab everything there. I saw you. I thought I was hoping so. Surprisingly it is frustrating. Somehow you’re not guilty. For you can’t control the world just like I can’t. With that, I am finally able to understand that we are actually hoping for the fate. So I can’t blame you. But as time flies, it seems like those words are not highlighted anymore. As if they don’t bring any meaning anymore. I’m not wishing for you to promise me anything. I’m just hoping that you will be able to keep your words before. Cause the way I see it, you’re not saving me. You’re saving yourself from another point of view.

They asked me about the abstract thing.

I don’t know how to answer it. For I don’t know if it’s ever important to answer it now.

To them No 1 : Is that all what it takes for you to make a move on your future? That future? Because truly I’m not hoping for that solely. I need more than that. For my security as a woman. In here as well as in the hereafter.

To them No 2 : You can’t just walk in and reopen the old dream of yours…hoping that I’ll make it happen for you. I respect your intention. But please understand my condition too.

To them No 3 : At first I was annoyed. But now I start to admire you respectably. You’re a little going into it at first. Somehow I hope you won’t go too far. For I can’t bear another one treating me that way.

:+: A ViSiT To KPJ :+:

2010-09-29T12:06:00.001-07:00

It was supposed to be a 3-cars convoy. And that includes my fellows, Gg's and Emon's. But then at the very last minute it happened to be a 5-cars convoy including a car of a newly-wed couple (not really new actually. Heh) and another one car which already reached the hospital. So that made a total amount of 6 cars.

Around 6pm off we took to Kajang. There were five of us in my car. Ooppss…my mom’s actually. So when tiga orang dari kami sudah ada dalam satu ruang we won’t need a radio. The radio can rest. Sebab kita dah ada juruhebah yang lagi ‘bertauliah’ berbanding radio tu sendiri. The combination of us would yield a great and deafening radio channel. And automatically other people who were with us would be newly-appointed radio announcers. Heh.

The main purpose was to visit a friend who was admitted into the hospital. Denggi. It’s a popular problem nowadays. And the other reason for the five of us – nak jalan-jalan cari angin after a long time tak keluar jauh dari uia. Apatahlagi petang tadi baru habis exam. Sambil diving sambil drinking water la. Heh.

We reached there around 7.15. And started filling the room of our friend sampaikan mamat india kat sebelah pun naik rimas agaknya. One after another started to show their face in front of the patient…to be acknowledged by him as the visitors of the day. So after 3 days being warded in the ICU, he then was transferred into the normal ward. Alhamdulillah he’s getting better. Those days with agony had passed. He can now talk but slightly panted. He can sit like normal but only for a few minutes. He told what really happened from the first day he was affected and admitted into the hospital. Somehow I didn’t really get to hear him as I was standing behind others and too busy curing my own light pain. Anyway, it’s good to see that he can endure it really. He can now talk, smile and laugh. He can even joke with us.

Thinking that I actually invited you to have a race with me –because only in time like this can I defeat you- I didn’t mean anything ok? Just want to produce some laughter. And sorry too for a little hullabaloo that we created just right after everyone left and before we –the three of us- left. Itulah kami. Ngokngek skit. Dan kadang-kadang agak scatterbrain. Kesian orang sakit. Heh.

Around 8.30 we left to have dinner near the hospital. Sitting by different tables for we didn’t want to look as if we were ‘rombongan cik kiah’ sebab kat hospital tadi pon dah macam rombongan meminang datang ramai-ramai. Still the five of us were around one table. Isk…’asobiah sungguh kami berlima ni. Bukan ‘asobiah, tapi kami paling lambat so sendiri cari makan dan tempat la. We sat by a table which gave us a view of other three tables - our friends'. So kerja kami asyik observed orang je. Kawan-kawan kami tu la. Bukan orang lain. Bila tengok minuman diorang dah sampai mulalah bising air kitorang tak sampai lagi. And when they started having their meal pun kitorang bising jugak makanan kitorang tak sampai lagi. Bukan apa...takut kena tinggal. Hoho. And only when our food is right in front of our eyes that we felt relieved. So macam biasa, bermulalah sesi rounding table. Sekejap makanan tu kat situ. Sekejap makanan tu pulak kat sini. Pastu pusing-pusing lagi sampai semua orang dapat rasa semua makanan yang ada. Pastu perut pun sebu sebab macam-macam dah masuk.

Around 9.40 we headed back to uia. Now it’s a convoy of 6 cars – 2 cars of the brothers and 4 cars of the sisters. But after that, everyone started to find their own way. So it wasn’t a convoy anymore. So I decided to follow the not-really-newly-wed couple. Macam boleh harap je. Heh.

The driving tonight was rather challenging to me as I rarely drive during the night. Even at home, if I were going out with my brother and sister at night, I would quickly give up the driving part for I have some problems with the shining lights on the road. However tonight I think it’s a tarbiyah for me to practice doing so as a preparation for any emergency case rises anytime which needs me to drive at night and get used to the colourful shining lights.

For what it’s worth, thank you to everyone for a wonderful evening and journey. Indirectly it became a gathering for us. Tambah-tambah ramai dari kita dah bertukar course dari BAR ke EDU. And to the guy-of-the-day, get well soon! There are a lot waiting for you. Your assignments. Heh.

شفاك الله ، يا أخي !

-"وإذا مرضتُ فهو يشفي"-

:+: Ni'MaH Of ThE Ni'maH :+:

2010-09-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Calling her might not solve any problems I’m enduring. Might not finish any assignments that I’m still working on. Might not even answer all questions in my coming exams.

Yet..it DOES help me calming my heart, appearing peace to my brain and even creating stronger passion to continue running all those errands.

I thank YOU for the ni’mah.

Ni’mah of having a woman called MOTHER.

Ni’mah of awareness of how to appreciate and value the given precious ni’mah.

Because if HE doesn’t grant the second ni’mah I would only take the first ni’mah for granted.

الحمد لله

Ibu adalah jiwa keabadian bagi semua wujud.

Penuh cinta dan kedamaian.

-Khalil Gibran-

:+: TheY’Re HeRe!! :+:

2010-09-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

Presenting…..

My new besties….

Mr Lady Bird

Missy Micey

And they just moved here from…

:+: CaN’T WaiT :+:

2010-09-27T03:18:00.001-07:00

Waiting for Mr Lady Bird and Missy Micey.

Another few hours.

Sooooo can’t wait! ^_^

:+: SuDaH-SuDahLah :+:

2010-09-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

Kalau orang tu dah kate tak sengaja tu tak sengaja la maknanya.

Apa barang merajuk @ marah lame-lame?

:+: SorRy…SorrY NoT :+:

2010-09-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

You know why I’m being harsh on you? It’s because your attitude never leads me to respect you.

For being rude and harsh…it’s my part of fault. But the bigger part is for you to not making me feel like respecting you well.

PLEASE…ACT RESPECTABLY AS SOMEONE ~~SO-CALLED~~ OLDER THAN ME! ~

:+: WiLL I EveR enD It...? :+:

2010-09-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

I’m sick of it. Tired of it. Really afraid of having to keep living in that kind of surrounding. I know I have to change it. I just don’t know how. I’m lacking authority. Or maybe ‘pangkat’?

~~Ya Allah...show me the way! Give me strength!~~

:+: SaJa...BajeT FreE TeRLajAk :+:

2010-08-27T18:51:00.001-07:00

Mak bagitau ayah beli something untuk anak-anak…atau lebih tepatnya for the whole family. Orang tanya apa benda mak tak nak cakap. Mak just cakap, “Balik la dulu!” sambil ketawa misteri. Hurmm….apa benda ye?!

Oho…boleh je tanya abang kat umah. Tapi…mak nak buat surprise. Tak jadilah tanya. Baikkan aku? Hahaha.

Hurmm…apa benda ye??!!

Counting the days….towards --------> 3 Sept

Hurmmm...apa benda ye??!!

Isk...bajet free terlajak !!! Tak sedar diri kerja berbakul-bakul !!

Persoalannya : akan habiskah buku2 ini dibaca dalam masa singkat ini? Heh.

Djah..Grah..siapkan nahw minggu ni boleh? Aku rasa macam sikit je tuh!! At least lepas raya kita perlu semak balik je.

هل يمكن يا أختيّ المحبوبتين ؟؟

Heeee..... =B

:+: A MoMeNt tHaT WoULd NevER Be WiThOuT :+:

2010-08-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Tidakkah mereka memperhatikan burung-burung yang dimudahkan terbang diangkasa bebas. Tidak ada yang menahannya selain daripada Allah. Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu benar-benar terdapat tanda-tanda (kebesaran Tuhan) bagi orang-orang yang beriman.

(An-Nahl : 79)

It’s the verse that caught her glimpse. She turned her head to the sky afterwards. Two birds were freely flying...chasing one another...in the beautiful cloudy sky. “Thank you Allah for the faith I have in me!”

:+: R.A.M.A.D.H.A.N :+:

2010-08-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Ramadhan to all!

Maafkan sume salah silap daku yang hina ini.

رمضان كريم !

كل عام و أنتم بخير !

^_^

:+: ??? :+:

2010-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Please stop crying! I’m afraid to just ignore. Yet tired of asking.

:+: "ThE ReCuPeRaTioN oF LiFe" HeLp Me PLeaSe...?? :+:

2010-07-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

How do I advise someone who has been a victim of flogging by her own dad to be strong? How do I tell her to forget her intention to commit suicide derives from the worst condition in her house? The sisters who have never satisfied with her work, chores and so forth. The dad who has always demonstrated his wrath towards her. Kicking, slapping…have been her ‘daily meal’. Instead of just telling her to hold on, what else can I say? In fact, I can’t even see the advantage for this kind of people to stay in their house having that surrounding. Seriously, what should they do? Should they stay? Or should they just leave the house and find somewhere to live -legally- and at the same time care for their family from far and go back once in a while? Because in my mind, that's what I'm going to tell them. Can someone help me please?

:+: EvERyDaY iS a BLesSeD DaY :+:

2010-07-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

He showered His blessing for us every single day. Every single minute. It’s just sometimes we seemed oblivious to all those gifts from Him and yet keep complaining. Nastaghfirullah! Allah The Almighty…please forgive us!

Last night something happened. No! More than a thing happened actually. Heh. But this thing really captured my mind and my heart. I knew it all along that this day would come. I was hoping so. I just didn’t know when and how. Would she start it first? Or would it be me to take the first move?

Well everything is in His power. Apparently she was the one who made the first move. Wondering to myself, if I were to take the first step to reach her, it’d take thousand years for me to gather all my strength. Cowardeeee!!

At first, I was shocked that she suddenly texted me. But I just ignored the feeling and started to converse as usual. As if nothing wrong ever happened between us. Though it has been almost two years we didn’t contact each other for some reasons. Then she started to elucidate the real reason she texted me. So the memories stopped by the surrounding again. Apologies were exchanged. And apologies were accepted. Nothing left to be sorry. Nothing left to be held culpable between us. Alhamdulillah.

We didn’t actually fight. It was just a matter of misunderstanding…or can we say a thought of an unripe brain? Heh. Just like she said, “we were kids”.

Often we were wondering what made people come to us again after a long time of parting. But then I guess sometimes the reason doesn’t really matter. What matters is that when they come, we open our heart. When they say they’re sorry, we forgive and forget. Because eventually we’ll see that they’re not the only one to blame. We are too. And what had happened all along will just become a lesson for us to contemplate.

Because life is but once, let’s just try hard to make it as thousand times blessed as ever! =)

:+: Oh daRLing! :+:

2010-06-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

What’s wrong with you, darling? Kenapa tak nak keluar-keluar? Dah lama dah kami tunggu. Sian ibu. Sakit sangat dah tu. Darling nak main-main lagi ek. Ni Cik Arah nak datang ni..kalau tak keluar jugak, tak tahu nak kata la.

Sunday/20 June 20, 2010 : Off to Kluang soon…around 9.30am. A sudden plan…few minutes ago by my mom. Just the two of us…me n my mom. Time for 7hours-drive! Allah…lindungi kami!

My sis-in-law is delivering soon. But the baby won’t come out. A mother is fighting now…since yesterday. Please pray for her.

Darling….gidarinda! (I’m waiting for you!)

:+: WaRm SinCeRiTy = WaRm ReLaTioNShiP :+:

2010-05-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

So this semester changed. I mean things in this semester have differed. Different block, different room, different side of bed, different view from the window and of course different roommates. The four two-years-been-together roommates are apart now. Well, among those four (plus a one-year-been-together roommate), I’m the only one who has been kicked out of the group. They didn’t kick me out. The fate did. It is frustrating for not being able to fulfill our dream to spend this four-years-being-undergraduate together just because of the new policy of booking rooms via online.

So after all the frustrations and all the complaints about when will I get to change room to be with them, I learn to adapt myself. Again. Uuuuhh….it’s so tiring to get ourselves to the new environment again and again. It’s just so hard for me. Even though their room is just one level above me (still in the same block), but it’s just for temporary. It is still different. Sometimes I’m just wondering, the frustration, is it because I can’t see them more often than before or it’s just because I’m tired of adapting again? Not sure. But the important thing is to achieve the ‘four-years-being-undergraduate together’ dream. (Often human can be so selfish. Heheh)

I know the fact that everybody’s been adapting to the new environment again and again in life. And I know that there are wisdoms behind all that. It is undeniable that He’s the Best Planner of all. But still, stubborn people always exist in times like this. Heh.

As I am adapting myself, starting from being a second year student in centre for foundation studies (CFS), I started to meet more types of people than what I had before. Even when I’m still a first year student. It’s true, I learn about so many things from all these people. About life. About hardships. About sacrifices. About suffer. About endless yet disappointed longing and loving. It’s not a typical love. Not an illegal love between boyfriends and girlfriends. Not the type of light hardships. Not about the sacrifices made by a girlfriend towards her boyfriend. No…not such a crap. It is way more than that. It is a sacred love. It’s a longing and yearning love between a child to a long-lost mother who doesn’t want to openly admit that they’re actually related. It is a hope of a child to be given a chance to have a harmony family without any other stranger ruining it. It is a dream of a child to be able to sit and laugh together about so many stuffs with a mother who seems to be not only physically far but also emotionally. It is a wish of a child to have her parents happily together again without any other cases to brake them apart and finally focus on her who is still a growing-up child, trying to get rid of her previous indifferent life to a better meaningful life. Yes…those children are my friends. Friends by fate. These are the stories which happen to knock my brain to make me realize how grateful I should be. All those intricacies I faced in my life are actually not as hard as these.

As I’m watching her sleep, my heart wonders “So apparently, she too has a story of her own”. For the very first time since four weeks back, she actually talked to me. Not the kind of light chat about each other’s background or the kind of introducing each other. Because we had that already from the very first day we met. But this is a TALK. Serious talk. Heart-to heart. Eye-to-eye. Completely startled me to hear that.

As I’m listening very well to what she said, my heart sometimes wandered. All along my student life, I have met these kinds of people. Some who just happened to burst their story to me. And some who is really hoping that I would listen. I can’t deny that sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I feel as if their stories are mine. It’s hard. And depressing. But as I’m growing up and looking ahead of my life, something coaxed my mind. That it doesn’t happen without purpose. There is something which I myself need to find out. One of it is that it's a knock on my head to be really really grateful for what I am today and what I have.

So I’m moving along. Positively. I’m not sure if I can help them to solve their problems. Because it does seem very hard to solve. However I know that there’s some way I can make them feel better by listening and saying something. I know I would. And I know I want to.

And if adapting is something regular in life, then Allah, make it easy for me...and them. Aamiin!

:+: TeNtAnG DiA :+:

2010-05-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

Di SMAWP tahun 2007. Kita kenal antara satu sama lain. Baru tahu kita dari Bandar yang sama. Dialek pun sama. Kita duduk sebelah-menyebelah dalam kelas Arab Level 2. Awak peramah. Menegur dan menyapa dengan penuh mesra. Saya pulak kaku. Jawab je dengan patuh. Tanpa reaksi yang mesra macam awak. Saya mintak maaf. Dulu saya kaku. Tapi sekarang, saya dah tak kaku kan? =D

Melalui awak, saya kenal kawan lain. Dengan orang tu pun saya kaku. Tapi lama-lama ok je. Macam dengan awak lah. Masa mula-mula dulu rasa janggal sangat. Tapi dah lama-lama kita dah boleh bertepuk-tampar kan? Cumanya…saya tak berani nak tampar awak. Sebab takut nanti awak tampar saya balik. Heheh.

Kita lahir pada tahun berbeza. Kalau ikutkan tahun, awak datang ke dunia ni lewat setahun dari saya. Tapi kalau ikut bilangan hari yang sebenarnya, tak sampai setahun pun beza umur kita. Sebab apa? Sebab saya masih muda. Dan awak? Hurmm…awak makin membesar. Sebab tu lah umur kita tak banyak beza. Heheh.

Kalau nak ikutkan keformalan, awak berpangkat adik dan saya berpangkat kakak. Tapi kematangan dan perwatakan jelas menggambarkan awak berpangkat kakak dan saya berpangkat adik. Awak selalu tolong saya bila saya resahkan sesuatu. Awak tenang orangnya. Saya kagum sangat. Bila ada sesuatu resah yang menimpa awak, awak atasi dengan tenang. Walaupun kata-kata awak melahirkan kebimbangan, tapi muka awak, gaya awak masih bersahaja. Saya kagum. Alhamdulillah…sikit-sikit saya belajar dari awak untuk bersikap tenang bila hadapi masalah. Err…walaupun kadang-kadang saya masih saya yang dulu, cepat kaget dan nervous. =P

Awak macam kakak. Selalu je ada kata-kata bernas dan ‘berisi’ keluar dari mulut awak. Dan apa saja yang terlontar dari bibir awak kedengaran tenang dan aman. Lembut hati orang yang mendengarnya. Termasuk saya. =)

Awak nak tahu…mak saya berkenan kat awak. Sampai dirasakan nak buat menantu katanya. Tapi saya tak bagi. Kenapa? Bukan sebab saya tak suka awak jadi kakak ipar saya. Tapi sebab saya tak nak abang saya jadi suami kawan saya. Heheh.

Sekarang kita dah susah nak bersama. Maklumlah awak dah tukar course. Kelas pun lagilah tak pernah sama pun setakat ni. Tapi awak sentiasa ada dalam doa saya. Sampai kadang-kadang termimpi-mimpi lagi. Cewah! ;D

Dan terima kasih banyak-banyak hari tu awak tolong saya bawak kawan-kawan kita yang berdua tu lawat seluruh Terengganu (seluruh ke? Heheh). Kalau nak harapkan saya, tahu pergi kedai belakang rumah je la. Hahah. Maklumlah…saya kan orang Korea yang baru berhijrah ke Terengganu. Mana kenal sangat tempat-tempat kat Terengganu tu. Heheh.

Awak, terima kasih banyak-banyak atas persahabatan antara kita. Moga keikhlasan sentiasa mengiringi persahabatan kita. Seterusnya diberkati dan dirahmati olehNya.

Saya doakan awak bahagia di samping keluarga dan teman-teman tersayang (termasuk saya. Heheh). Semoga petunjuk Allah sentiasa mengiringi langkah hidup awak. Semoga berjaya di dunia dan akhirat. Semoga menjadi ustazah yang berdedikasi. Saya percaya awak memang guru yang berdedikasi dan bermotivasi. Dan….semoga awak mendapat suami yang soleh dan terbaik untuk awak. Because you just deserve it! ^_~

SELAMAT HARI LAHIR KE-20

SITI RADHIAH SYAHIDA MOHD HAMDAN

P/s : Dhiah…masih rasa bersaloh sebab dok ingat nok beli bepang dhiah ari tu. Huhuu.

Nde2 pon…I luv u dhiah! ^_^

:+: SauDaRa AkhiR ZaMaN :+:

2010-04-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Baru je balik dari majlis tahlil. Majlis tahlil arwah mak sedara. Adik kepada ayahku. Majlis2 macam ni selalunya dijadikan medan pertemuan saudara-mara. Nak kenal waris kata mak. Betul jugak. Nak2 orang zaman sekarang yang dah tak kenal saudara sendiri. Huhu tak kata kat orang. Diri sendiri ni la.

“Ni sekolah tingkatan berapa?” Kakak sepupuku bertanya pada mak seraya merujuk kepadaku. Aku tersengih. Heheh mude lagi aku ni. Mak pun cakap lah, “Dah tak sekolah dah. Dah habis.”

Surprisingly, rupanya sepupu yang ku sangkakan bongsu bukanlah bongsu. Beliau ada adik rupanya. Huhu. Sadisnya aku sebagai kakak sepupu. See…? Kan betul orang zaman sekarang (aku) tak kenal saudara. Isk2. Kesian pulak kat dia. Kecik2 dah hilang mak.

Tengah makan. Tertunduk-tunduk kepala ni berusaha meratah isi2 ayam yang tertinggal pada tulang. Tetibe mak cik yang tengah amik lauk kat depan yang juga tak berapa mak cik sebenarnya (mungkin separa mak cik) bertanya, “Ni sape?” Merujuk kepadaku yang sedang asyik tertunduk-tunduk ni. Kemudian kakak kepada ayahku yang duduk di sebelah kiriku menjawab, “Anak Cu ha.” Sambil merujuk kepada wanita kebanggaanku yang duduk di sebelah kirinya. Cu Ha adalah nama panggilan mak di kalangan saudara sebelah ayah. Mak cik yang separa mak cik tadi pun menjawab, “Laa…ye ke? Nampak lain.” Mak pun berseloroh, “Lain?” Aku pun agak pelik. Aku rasa mak cik ni lah satu-satunya yang cakap aku tak macam mak. Orang lain biasanya akan cakap, aku macam mak. Selalu macam tu. Anak mak sungguh! Heheh. Kemudian, mak cik yang separa mak cik tu pun cakap, “A’ah…nampak lain. Cu Ha lawa lagi masa muda-muda dulu.” Pap!!! Tercabarkah aku? Hahah.

Lepas makan, sebahagian daripada kami berkumpul. Err…semuanya warga dewasa. Aku cuma menempatkan diri di satu sudut. Nak berkumpul dengan sepupu2 yang sebaya yang ada kat situ, hurrmmm….macam mimpi je. Huhu. What to do…we barely know each other! Aku cuma memerhatikan gelagat mereka adik-beradik sedang mencuci pinggan dan berkemas apa-apa yang patut di luar rumah. Rasa macam nak pergi tolong sekali, tapi malu. Huhu. What to do…tak biasa dengan mereka. Isk2.

Kadang2 termenung…bila mak dengan ayah dah takde nanti macam mana agaknya hubungan aku dengan sepupu-sepapat sebelah ayah ni. Kadang2 terfikir strategi untuk merapatkan ukhuwah ni tapi tak tahu nak mula dari mana. Agak resah sebenarnya…kami akan terus menjauhkah? Anak cucu cicit kami takkan pernah kenalkah antara satu sama lain? Sedih bila memikirkannya tapi tidak tahu langkah bagaimana yang harus diambil. Huhu.

Takut jugak kalau-kalau hak yang satu ni tak dapat ditunaikan. Hak mengekalkan ukhuwah dengan saudara-mara mak ayah dan kawan-kawan mereka. Perlu ada azam. Perlu ada strategi. Bila ya nak terlaksana strategi tu? Bila dah kahwin baru nak mula ke? Kalau tak kahwin macam mana…? Hurmm….

Niat! Azam! Strategi!

Mohon al-fatihah buat mak sedara ku.

:+: CoLouRs :+:

2010-04-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

When we drift apart, we feel that all things we do are wrong. We claim that the world’s too cruel. We blame all things around us. We forget that all those are actually best things we have ever. We just don’t know how to make them look beautiful and amazing.

We feel we’re stuck in a maze. Like there’s no way out. Apparently we don’t see all colours around us. Variety of colours. Variety of choices. We just have to pick one. It’s ok to mistakenly draw something silly with that colour. For we can keep fixing it with all other colours. We just have to put trust in Him. Convince that everything happens and occurs according to His will.

Allah, give us strength!

:+: LuLLabY :+:

2010-04-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

When we feel lonely, there’s actually a lullaby accompanying us. When we feel empty, there’s actually a lullaby comforting us. Beautiful lullaby attracts beautiful mind. Good lullaby produces good heart. You know what is the best lullaby ever.

Call Him. Find Him. Be close to Him. Then we’ll see there’s hope. There’s light. He’s the best lullaby ever.

:+: BLueVaNiBerRyLa SkY :+:

2010-03-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

If you can think of any flavour that owns light blue colour, what would it be? I’d say it’s a mixture of blueberry and vanilla. Just look at the sky on a bright day during the time between afternoon and evening. It is so lovely and yummy. Like an ice-cream sometimes. Like a cotton candy in some other time.

We were standing there. Chatting. After walking from the left wing of the region until we reached the upper building only to find out that it couldn’t serve us that day with a few couches to sit on or even at least a bench. So we were there. Under the roof. Under the bluevaniberryla sky. In every meeting, I was actually hoping she would do the talking. And I’d prefer to do the listening. For all her words are full of wisdom. And I just feel that I need them. As my soul’s meal.

It is somewhat astonishing to think how we first knew each other. We were actually introduced by someone. Yet this relationship continues with having to expel that someone. Bismillah…it’s for the better. (He is the All-Knowing, to Him only we put our trust). Back then, there were a lot to handle. A lot to bear. A lot to feel. A lot to say. A lot to listen. A lot to give. And last but not least, a lot to accept. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that it really happened. Yet it is a truth which ought to be obeyed even if it does hurt a heart or maybe more.

It’s a reflection of everyone’s life. As we move on, we’d see all those in the past as memories which once came across our life in a journey to the future. We might even laugh at ourselves someday thinking all those stuffs. Whatever it is, with what I had been through all those days, I realize it was never as much as she had. She had endured too much. Had fought too much. Had tried hard to survive. It WAS too much to be accepted logically. Somehow it was never too much when talking about the allegiance to Him.

Others came and started to approach her. So I excused myself. She is everyone’s. She is her students’. I’m aware of that. After all, it had been almost 2 hours and a half we’d been chatting, wandering and laughing together that day. So it’s time for the others to enjoy the rest of the time with her. So I walked away after kissing her hand and hugging her. Looking at the bluevaniberryla sky, I can feel His existence. I turned my head to look at them. Smiles were on their face. Affable ones. I could see one of the wisdom He never granted her with a child of her own blood. As He wants to give her those beautiful children who have always been expecting to see her and missing her in some way. Pleasing her and be pleased by her.

I smiled to the scene and continued my walking. And suddenly my heart cried, “I miss you, mom!” Eyes were watering. Feet were moving averagely. Under the bluevaniberryla sky, I thanked Him for so many reasons.

:+: UnExPecTed MeLee :+:

2010-02-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

There was this thing happened to me last night. I, as the secretary of this becoming program of one club here was actually texting all the members to inform them about this program which will be held on this Sunday and kindly asking for their confirmation of attending the program.

So here’s the story. There’s this guy, suddenly got mad at me for sending that sms to him. Saying that he knew nothing about this club and told me to stop sending him that sms. I don’t know what’s his problem. But I bet other colleagues of mine who happened to be previous secretaries for previous programs were actually texting him as well, informing about all those programs and asking for confirmation of his participation. Maybe that’s why he became fed up. And the fate that he actually let out his anger was when the secretary post was given to me. So I guess it’s my fate then to argue with this guy. Nothing much. I just told him about this club and that his name was actually in our list. So I just assumed that he was the one who had registered himself in this club or probably his friends did. No need for that rude refusal by the way. Then he was actually trying to ‘throw’ us in hell. Cursing that all of us would enter hell. For God’s sake…isn’t that so mean?

Then I just said that it’s not his job to decide whether all of us are going to hell or even to heaven. At first I felt like texting this to him “So you actually think by saying that (we, the members of this club are entering hell), YOU’re going to heaven?” Hahah. But then, I thought it was probably kind of rude. I didn’t want to create any hostility here, thinking that I was actually using the club’s phone. Plus, kan ke saya sedang berlatih daripada perempuan yang konon sopan kepada perempuan betul-betul sopan? ^_~ So I told him to remember Allah more. It’s a reminder for me myself too. As I was thinking “ni lah akibatnya tak baca bismillah tadi sebelum hantar mesej. Kan tak pasal-pasal kena maki. Dah tu kawan-kawan lain yang dalam kelab tu pun kena maki sekali secara tak langsung. Hurmm…”

Then he praised to Allah saying that he’s thankful that we (refer to me and the rest of the club members) are actually still remembering Allah. He even invited to ‘join his club’ which costs zero and in return we are going to get unlimited profit. “See you in _______ mosque every Saturday night.” That simple sentence, I concluded at once that he’s probably one of the qiyam members there. MasyaAllah. Great activity. But still I believe that he shouldn’t say what he had said before. For that didn’t picture him as one of those members. So I am thankful knowing that he’s actually not that kind of real rude person. Somehow I couldn’t restrain myself from kindly asking him not to insult any club. For there are many ways to be good. So if he’s unsatisfied with certain clubs, please do write any comments or help us to improve the club. NO NEED for the CURSE instead. Then he was talking about sincerity and adding that I should mention my name whenever texting unknown people to avoid unpleasant response. I guessed he’s right. I actually agree with him. I was actually thinking that I shouldn’t feel scared or worried to reveal myself for I didn’t do anything wrong. Besides, just by mentioning my name wouldn’t bring any harm I guess. I pray for Allah’s protection. In fact I am glad that I was arguing with a person who is actually bowing to the word ‘Allah’. So I just mentioned my name though I know he doesn’t even know me. Plus, I don’t even know him as well. So I guess the fact that we don't know each other is quite a credit. Heh. And I apologized once again for the inconvenience I caused him. Then he mentioned that he didn’t know me at all and apologized too for his nasty words. End.

I was thinking that this guy was probably having some problems with certain clubs in this UIA and started to generalize all the clubs here. Maybe he was disappointed with certain clubs and started to label all the clubs here are as useless and wasting time as they could ever be. Still I think, there are many ways to be good. So let’s help improving this club for the better. I am trying. I know other members do as well. And even other clubs or societies.

If that guy is really one of the qiyam members, praised be to Allah and may YOU shine him with YOUR light always. To all of us as well. And may he behave as one who really owns the wisdom behind his acts in worshipping YOU. Same goes to us. Aamiin.

:+: A MaGniFiCenT VeNTiLatiOn :+:

2010-02-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

It is a wonderful thing to have a routine where we get to lift up the curtain and looking outside the window from our bed every night before really hurling down our head onto the pillow. It is amazing where we are given a chance by Him to really feel His existence every time we look at the universe. We feel so blessed that we have Someone to turn to. Someone to pin all our hopes on.

As we’re growing up, it is sometimes confusing how we can feel awkward around people whom we’ve always been with for long. Sometimes we feel that we’re different from them. Differ in the sense of feelings, actions in dealing things in life and the way of looking at life itself. Sometimes we feel like isolating them. We’re not loathing them. We’re just trying to get rid of the tiny whispers which shamelessly follow us everywhere just to make us astray. The whispers from those who should virtually become our enemies but have become our good friends in our daily basis instead. We start to realize that this is the time and it’s the primetime of our age where we are actually fighting with our own selves. The heart that cleaves in two. The feelings which flow into variable. The desires that against the needs. The good which entangles in the evil. To some extent we might feel “missing and longing for them from far is better than getting bored of being together every single minute”. We’re not following the evil steps. We’re just trying to take a slow and steady but trusting step in rebuilding our emotion, our self-motion, our self-reliance and redefining the meaning of life. We’re not choosing them. He did. For us. For He knows the good things rely behind it.

We’re trying so hard not to lose to the insane norm where at this age we are said to have the full freedom. We’re not looking for freedom merely. Well…if freedom to most insane people is being free to do anything includes those against the rules of The Creator. We’re certainly not to be part of that kind of freedom. We, sane people are searching for peace. In heart and in soul. Not physically solely. We’re not asking much. We hope we’re not. At least not up to the level of evacuation from a devil into an angle. But just from a raw mind into a ripe brain.

Sometimes we feel really hard to work out to reach the perfect dream. What if it’s ruined? What if it’s not according to what we have anticipated? What if we don’t get the apt fate according to all those good deeds we’ve done in the journey of moulding a good life? These are the questions which are repeatedly played in our mind. However it is incredible to think that after all the efforts we took, all we need to do is turn back to our fitrah and that is relying only on Him. It is pleasing to think that we have Someone to turn to in contentment and predicament, in comfort and affliction. It is thankful indeed to feel that even though some things just don’t go our way, however it contains a lot of wisdom we might know later than it seems. The merit He has promised us. This is where we have no doubts in life. And this is where we can finally breathe real fresh air. InsyaAllah.

:+: La Tahzan, Cik Diari! :+:

2010-02-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

Rasa nak menulis. Tapi tak tahu nak tulis apa. Cik Diari sudah lama tak bersentuh. Asyik duk menaip kat sini. Cik Diari duk tersimpan rapi dalam…(err..rahsia!) Agak-agak kecik hati tak Cik Diari ek? Mesti Cik Diari merungut. Dulu-dulu asyik cari dia je. Bila sedih, bile gembira, mesti bukak dia. Pen pun ligat menari atas helaian-helaian dia. Titisan-titisan air mata pun selalu je helaian-helaian Cik Diari yang sambut. Ukiran senyuman di wajah pun Cik Diari saksikan. Tapi sekarang sejak dah berjinak dengan teknologi Cik Blog, Cik Diari seakan dah jatuh tempat nombor dua. Semuanya gara-gara dah belajar buat Cik Blog dalam kelas komputer semester lepas.

Hmm…Cik Diari mesti rasa tersisih. Sikit-sikit jenguk Cik Blog. Sikit-sikit review Cik Blog. Sedangkan Cik Diari hanya terperuk dalam…(err…rahsia!) Dah lama tak review Cik Diari. Latest pun tiga minggu lepas. Tu pun sebab hati dah sarat sangat. Kena jugak keluarkan. Tapi tu lah…tiga minggu yang lepas. Dah lama sangat. Cik Diari mesti rasa macam dah tak ada kepentingan. Macam dah tak ada harga. Kasihan Cik Diari. Hari-hari melayan perasaan sendiri. Tanpa berkongsi dengan tuannya yang dah ada Cik Blog. “Bestlah Cik Blog. Asyik-asyik tuan bukak dia.” Bisik hati kecil Cik Diari.

Tapi…sebenarnya Cik Diari tak sedar. Cik Diari masih nombor satu. Sebabnya semua perkara dalam Cik Diari orang lain tak tahu. Ada la sikit-sikit orang lain tahu. Tu pun tak sedetail yang Cik Diari tahu. Hanya kita bertiga je yang tahu. Cik Diari, tuan Cik Diari dan Dia. Yang Cik Blog tahu orang lain pun tahu. Jadinya Cik Diari tetap nombor satu. Bukan tak nak bukak Cik Diari lagi. Tapi rasanya biarlah Cik Diari rehat dulu. Takut sebenarnya nak review Cik Diari lagi. Nanti helaian Cik Diari basah lagi. Tak pun minda yang dah makin matured ni (ye ke??) akan tergelak bila review helaian-helaian Cik Diari yang depan-depan tu. Malu sendiri!

Kadang-kadang mesti Cik Diari tertanya-tanya, sampai bila Cik Diari ni akan wujud. Takkan sampai akhir hayat Cik Diari akan stay dengan tuan dia? Nanti tuan dia nak wariskan kat anak cucu ke? Hahahah. Hurmm…tengok lah dulu. Malulah la pulak nak bagi anak cucu baca. Nanti apa lah yang anak-anak tuan dia fikir pasal ummi mereka ni (cewah..dah ada panggilan). And apa pulak yang cucu-cucu tuan dia fikir pasal Nek Ummi mereka ni (herk??? Dah ada panggilan jugak?). Orang kata nak lupakan yang lepas, buang segala benda yang mengingatkan kita pada perkara lepas tersebut. Tapi tuan Cik Diari belum sedia nak lepaskan Cik Diari. Sesekali tuan Cik Diari still suka imbas perkara-perkara lepas. Cik Diari sebenarnya tak suka tuan dia sedih-sedih lagi terkenang hal yang lepas. Tapi tuan dia dah janji tuan dia sedih kejap je. Bila review Cik Diari je. Lepas tu dah tak sedih dah. Jadi Cik Diari jangan bimbang. Pasal nombor satu ke nombor dua tu pun Cik Diari tak payah bimbang. Sebab Cik Diari tetap nombor satu ^_^

Moral of the story : Jangan lupakan yang lama bila dah ada yang baru. Syukuri yang baru, hargai yang lama. Ada jugak yang kata, suami yang berkahwin dua jangan lupakan isteri pertama bila dah ada nombor dua (herk??? Keluar tajuk!!)

:+: A WeLcoMiNg ReMaRk To HeR :+:

2010-02-06T02:19:00.000-08:00

Mabruk ‘alaik! Tahniah dan selamat datang diucapkan ke dalam ‘persaudaraan’ indah ini. ‘Persaudaraan’ yang dihubungkan atas dasar sejahtera. ‘Persaudaraan’ yang bermotifkan keamanan dan kesejahteraan. ‘Persaudaraan’ yang diwujudkan atas rahmat dan redha dariNya yang Esa. Itulah ‘Islam’. Sejahtera dan aman.

Telah tertulis sejak dulu lagi bahawa hari itu akan tiba di dalam kamus hidupmu. Telah tercatat pada lembaran takdir - hari, tarikh, waktu dan lokasi kamu telah mengucapkan ikrar itu. Ikrar agung. Janji ulung. Sumpah setia. Itulah kalimah syahadah yang suci. Kepada siapa? Kepada Dia yang Esa. Itulah Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala.

Andai diri masih terkotak-katik mencari kepastian, usah bimbang. Perlahan-lahanlah melangkah bagai anak kecil yang baru bertatih. Usah terburu-buru mengejar semuanya, dikhuatiri nanti jatuh tersungkur sehingga melemahkan semangat. Tidak mengapa walau luka sedikit-sedikit di perjalanan, jangan sampai dihinggapi jemu yang tidak terbendung apabila sudah semakin menghampiri destinasi. Usah bimbang kalau-kalau diri ketinggalan, tetapi bimbanglah kalau-kalau ilmu yang dikutip itu tidak kekal lama di hati. Justeru, melangkah lah selangkah demi selangkah dengan penuh ikhlas dan kesungguhan. Allah tahu isi hatimu. Dia tahu keikhlasanmu. Usah terburu-buru. Dia tahu kekuatan dan kelemahanmu. Kerana Dia lah yang mencipta itu semua buatmu. Usah tergopoh-gapah. Dia tidak mendesak hamba-hambaNya. Allah Maha Lembut itulah salah satu namaNya.

Allah telah berfirman di dalam al-Quran : “Sesungguhnya orang mukmin itu bersaudara”. Maka walau kita tiada pertalian darah, kita tetap bersaudara. Agama kita telah mempersaudarakan kita. Kerana kita punya matlamat yang satu. Destinasi yang satu. Di bawah rahmat Tuhan yang satu.

Percaya atau tidak, yang di sini mengucapkan rasa syukur yang tidak terhingga kala mengetahui kamu sudah ‘rasminya’ bersama-sama kami dalam meniti tujuan hidup yang sebenar. Dalam mencari kebenaran yang tiada penyimpangan. Dalam mencari ketenangan yang mengisi kekosongan jiwa. InsyaAllah kamu sentiasa di dalam doaku. Semoga kita terus diberikan petunjuk olehNya untuk terus teguh pada jalanNya. Untuk terus yakin dan redha dengan janji-janjiNya. Yakinlah...saat senang dan susah kita, Allah sentiasa ada.

Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu (Muhammad) tentang Aku, maka (jawablah), bahwasanya Aku adalah dekat. Aku mengabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia memohon kepada-Ku, maka hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi (segala perintah-Ku) dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku, agar mereka selalu berada dalam kebenaran.

(Al-Baqarah : 186)

Dan satu hadiah buatmu wahai kakak,

Dialah yang memberi rahmat kepadamu dan malaikat-Nya (memohonkan ampunan untukmu), supaya Dia mengeluarkan kamu dari kegelapan kepada cahaya (yang terang). Dan adalah Dia Maha Penyayang kepada orang-orang yang beriman.

(Al-Ahzab : 43)

KEGELAPANmu tinggalkanlah ia sebagai satu pengajaran buatmu. CAHAYAmu jadikan ianya sinar kebahagiaanmu dalam mencari ketenangan dan kebahagiaan yang sebenar ^_^

:+: TaUsiAh Buat MeReKa YanG BerGeLaR ManUsiA :+:

2010-02-05T03:10:00.000-08:00

Tema utama : sejarah kesusasteraan arab. Satu subjek yang agak kurang digemari sebenarnya. Tapi termasuk dalam senarai subjek wajib. Isk! Ikhlas masih perlu dipupuk. Mesti! Namun di sebalik kebosanan kala kaki melangkah, mata seakan terbuka luas tatkala seorang ustaz menyampaikan tausiah-tausiahnya yang jika didalami maksudnya amat bermakna sekali buat kita yang bergelar manusia. Dan buat kita yang sedang membina hidup. Barangkali cerita-cerita pengalaman ustaz sepanjang melalui umur seperti anak-anak muridnya lebih diberi perhatian berbanding isi-isi kandungan subjek itu sendiri.

Sungguh...menarik! Cakap ustaz bukan saja-saja. Cakap ustaz juga bukan sekadar andaian. Tapi cakap yang berdasarkan pengalaman tathbiiqi dan syu’ur. Bagi sesetengah orang mungkin tausiah yang berupa teori semata sudah memungkinkan mereka menerimanya sepenuh hati. Tapi bagi diri yang agak keras hati ini, tausiah yang berdasarkan pengalaman lebih menusuk qalbu. Lebih tercenderung melekat di minda.

Hidup kita semakin keduniaan. Di mana akhirat semakin dibelakangkan. Manusia semakin sibuk mengejar dunia. Tanpa sedar akhirat ditinggalkan jauh di belakang. Bukankah sering dilaung-laungkan bahawa dunia ini syurga orang-orang kafir dan neraka orang-orang beriman? Tetapi apa yang berlaku sekarang, dunia ini sungguh...syurga bagi sesiapa sahaja. Justeru, neraka bagi siapa? Entah!

Keadaan dunia yang sekarang sering ditimpa bencana, politik negara yang kucar-kacir malah di dalam institusi kekeluargaan itu sendiri sedang mengalami pergolakan. Dengan fakta ini sudah cukup memberi gambaran kuat buat kita bahawa kita semua sedang melalui dan akan melalui rentetan hidup yang kian mencabar. Akan wujud satu lakaran hidup yang penuh liku. Mungkin sampai pada satu tahap, sesetengah dari kita mudah sekali berputus asa, hilang harapan, luntur semangat dalam diri, hilang arah tujuan hidup sebenar, dan terjerumus dalam kemewahan dunia, mengejar pangkat dan kekayaan. Na’udzubillah!

Kata ustaz tepat sekali. Tidak perlu menyandarkan harapan pada parti-parti atau pertubuhan-pertubuhan. Tidak perlu bergantung kepada ketua-ketua atau pemimpin-pemimpin untuk membantu kita mencari ketenangan. Tidak perlu bergantung harap pada manusia yang sebenarnya mudah sekali mengecewakan kita. Sandarlah dan berharaplah hanya pada Allah Yang Esa. Dia sekali-kali tidak akan mengecewakan hambaNya. Dia sekali-kali tidak akan membiarkan hambaNya terkotak-katik meraba-raba mencari ketenangan abadi tanpa panduan. Hanya dengan satu syarat, KITA MAHU. Ada MAHU, adalah jalannya. Kata pepatah, ‘di mana ada kemahuan di situ ada jalan’ harus kita imbas kembali dan amati sungguh-sungguh tafsirannya. Tidak keterlaluan jika aku katakan pepatah ini boleh sangat jika mahu dihubungkan dengan firman Allah :

Sesungguhnya kamu (Muhammad) tidak akan dapat memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang kamu kasihi, tetapi Allah memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang dikehendaki-Nya, dan Allah lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mau menerima petunjuk.

(al-Qasas : 56)

‘Allah memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang dikehendaki-Nya’. Siapa orang yang dikehendaki Allah untuk diberikan petunjuk? ‘Allah lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mau menerima petunjuk’. Itulah.....orang yang mahu menerima petunjuk Allah. Adakah kita tergolong dalam kategori itu? Tepuk minda tanya hati.

Suka sekali dengan quote ustaz “sewaktu kita berdoa, ibarat kita sedang mengetuk pintu Allah”. Terlakar di minda, saat ‘pintu’ diketuk, Allah menyambut hamba-hambaNya dengan penuh kasih sayang. Ibarat manusia yang bertandang ke rumah Allah sentiasa dijamu dengan nikmatNya. Alangkah indahnya! Bagi sesiapa yang semangatnya untuk bertahajud setiap hari berkobar-kobar, itu adalah satu nikmat besar buatnya. Tapi bagi sesiapa yang iman setipis kulit bawang seperti diri ini, kadang-kadang lalai untuk mengingati bahawa kita juga sedang dilimpahi nikmatNya. Saat diri sedang bersenang berehat di bilik, itulah nikmat. Saat diri menjamu selera walau hanya dengan sekeping biskut, itulah nikmat. Saat diri sedang lapang sekali menari-narikan jari jemari di papan kekunci, itulah nikmat. Setiap minit, setiap saat nikmat Allah melimpah ruah. Namun berapa ramai yang menyedari semua itu? Berapa ramai yang betul-betul mahu ambil kisah dengan semua itu? Walau doa yang dipinta masih tidak Allah kabulkan, nikmat-nikmat lain dari Allah tetap mengiringi hidup. Kerana Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik buat hamba-hambaNya.

Justeru, sentiasalah kita semua istiqamah mengetuk ‘pintu’ Allah dengan doa dan zikir. Jangan pernah jemu mendekatiNya. Jangan pernah berputus asa memohon kekuatan

dariNya. Andai permintaan tidak dikabulkan bukanlah bermakna Allah melupakan kita. Kerana Allah sesekali tidak akan melupakan hamba-hambaNya. Cuma, Dia ada percaturan yang lebih baik untuk kita. Yakinlah! Dan redhalah! Dengan janji-janji dan takdirNya.

Tidak ada suatu keberatan pun atas Nabi tentang apa yang telah ditetapkan Allah baginya. (Allah telah menetapkan yang demikian) sebagai sunnah-Nya (mengerjakan sesuatu yang dibolehkan Allah tanpa ragu-ragu) pada nabi-nabi yang telah berlalu dahulu. Dan adalah ketetapan Allah itu suatu ketetapan yang pasti berlaku,

(al-Ahzab : 38)

Jika para nabi yang memiliki kedudukan mulia di sisi Allah itu tidak merasa keberatan pun dengan ketetapan-ketetapanNya, apatah lagi kita...manusia lemah yang hanya mengharapkan rahmatNya untuk terus kuat. Maka yakinlah dan berpegang teguhlah bahawa takdirNya adalah yang terbaik untuk kita.

Pinta kami Ya Allah, dengan takdirMu, pada hari yang dijanjikanMu, andai gunung yang menjadi pemandangan kami setiap hari runtuh berkecai, andai bintang-bintang yang menjadi tatapan kami setiap malam itu gugur bertaburan, andai bulan yang menerangi malam kami setiap malam itu gugur ke bumi, andai awan dan langit yang mengiringi langkah kami sehari-hari itu bergulung lingkup, Dengan rahmatMu Ya Allah, kumpulkan kami dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan yang selalu di dalam redhaMu. Amin.

:+: BuKan SeBaRanG JaLa :+:

2010-01-27T04:37:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah…ada sejenis jala telah melalui kerongkong ini. Bukan satu bukan dua. Mungkin empat. Mungkin juga enam. (tak ingat dah). Kemudiannya terus ke destinasi dalam masa beberapa minit atau mungkin jam. Jauh menuju ke satu gua. Gua yang dipenuhi dengan usus-usus kecil mahupun besar. Harapnya tidak cepat-cepat keluar dari gua itu =P

Terima kasih ummi Dhiah untuk roti jala yang best tadi ;) Tak muak dan molek-molek sekali bentuknya. Kuahnya pun menyelerakan. Nak nak part kentang tu. Tak boleh tahan. Heee =B

Err…Dhiah nak jugok ke ucapan time kacih? Hurmm….bolehlah. Time kacih sebab tolong gulung roti jala tu. Hahah. Gura je Dhiah. Time kacih banyok-banyok sebab jemput kami untuk menikmati roti jala di petang rabu di Kampung Losong berhampiran kedai Ayam Segar. Heh!

P/s : Gg…lps ni boleh lah rasa hok Dhiah buat sendiri pulok op..? Kite tulong gulong pulok. Ke gane? ^_~

P/s : Dhiah...dok ingat nok amik gambo roti jala takdi. Kalau amik, boleh letok sini. Heh! Dan dok ketinggalan menu second utama :- kepok lekor. Hoho =D

:+: WhEn thE nightingale SinGs :+:

2010-01-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

Curtain lifted up.

It’s the moon again. Hiding behind the clouds. The beautiful scene reflects to my window glass. So I turn left. And there it is. Slowly accentuating itself.

Regret. One thing that people hate but tend to feel it either way. Do you? Do I? Yes I do. People tell to forget the past and pretend like it never happened. But some of them ask “can we really do that?” Do you think so? I don’t think so. What had happened will always stay as something which HAD HAPPENED. No offence.

Somehow the real meaning of that phrase (forget the past and pretend like it never happened) can be viewed from another perspective actually. Not only can, but it has to be. How?

No matter what, life goes on. It’s true. In order to make life better than yesterday, we ought to take something from the past. Some lessons. Some experiences. So that will make us see the past as something beneficial even if it couldn’t be retrieved.

People regret. There are people who love to live in the past and keep living in it. There are those who think that now is what matters, not the past. And there are those who love to keep themselves in the past some of the time and then they will sure come out again, facing the reality, the ‘now’. Well…which one are you? Which one is me?

I do regret. Sometimes. But then I know I have to wake up. It’s the past. And I chose that road. Yes. I did. So there’s no one to be blamed. Even if it does, it has to be me. Why? Because I’m the one who chose that road. It’s sad. To have chosen the road that makes us regret later. Something that makes us lose the road we love to the road we love even more which gets harder and harder from time to time. It really is. But that’s fate. So when we know that it contains goodness from HIM, confidence overcomes fear. And when we realize that we actually have a chance to retrieve the loss, even not whole fully, hope overwhelms regret. Effort takes precedence over giving up.

Appreciate the tiny happiness we’re having instead of regretting that big happiness we could’ve had.

It’s the moon again. Slowly revolving. Up and up. Till it’s gone from my sight. Still I know it is shining so bright. Lighten up the night. It has always been.

Curtain closed. And the nightingale started to sing. In her simple wholesome dream.

:+: OnE FacT :+:

2010-01-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

Fakta Bagus : Sesetengah hotel (atau mungkin kebanyakan hotel) menggunakan minyak masak yang baru setiap kali memasak menu yang berlainan. Maksudnya minyak masak yang telah digunakan sebelumnya tidak digunakan buat kali kedua dan diasingkan di dalam bekas tertentu.

Fakta Tak Bagus : Minyak masak terpakai yang telah diasingkan itu tadi dijual kembali oleh pihak tertentu yang tidak bertanggungjawab. Mula-mula mereka mengumpulkan minyak masak terpakai itu dan memberitahu mereka akan membuangnya. Padahal mereka telah mengambil keuntungan dengan kerja tak senonoh. Mereka mencampurkan minyak masak terpakai itu dengan bahan kimia (aku pun tak sure jenis apa. Untuk keterangan lanjut, sila tanya doktor atau siapa-siapa yang tahu). Lepas tu minyak masak bercampur bahan kimia tersebut dituras untuk mengasingkan habuk-habuk masakan yang terdapat di dalamnya. Maka keluarlah minyak masak 'baru' yang nampak suci dan murni padahal langsung tak suci lagi tak murni. Minyak masak 'baru' tersebut dipekkan dalam plastik dan kemudiannya dijual dengan harga yang murah. Orang ramai yang memang pantang tengok barang murah ni pun mulalah berpusu-pusu memborong minyak masak ini. Terutama pemilik-pemilik restoran yang memang kebanyakannya lebih mementingkan keuntungan yang banyak daripada mengorbankan modal yang lebih sedikit untuk dapatkan bahan berkualiti. Dan tak cukup dengan itu siap bagitahu orang kampung lagi, minyak ni murah, belilah, jimat, tak rugi, bla bla bla.

Kata seorang doktor : Kajian telah dibuat, antara orang yang kerap makan di rumah dengan yang kerap makan di kedai, yang kerap makan di kedai tu lah muda-muda dah dapat penyakit. Terutamanya kanser. Sebab apa? Sebab minyak masak ni lah. Manakala orang yang kerap makan di rumah agak susah dapat penyakit.

Atau dengan kata lain sempat lah tua sebelum dapat penyakit. (dan ini ayat aku)

"Orang ramai takkan lah tak boleh nak fikir. Takkan lah minyak masak tu murah kalau ianya berkualiti. Dan takkanlah ianya dijual dengan harga yang murah kalau bukan sebab ianya tak berkualiti. Fikirlah sikit!" Kata doktor ni lagi dengan nada yang agak marah.

So lepas ni semua orang, jangan hanya fikir nak murah. Biarlah keluar belanja sikit asalkan kesihatan terpelihara. Mana lagi penting kesihatan ke duit yang berkepuk-kepuk dalam purse tu? Duit boleh dicari. Kesihatan bukan senang nak dapat balik once dah ditimpa sesejenis penyakit kritikal.

Memang betul sakit mati tu semua takdir Allah. Tapi takkan nak ikut flow je kot. At least berusahalah kita sama-sama pelihara tubuh badan pinjaman ni sebaik-baiknya. Barang kawan lagi kan kita nak jaga baik-baik sebelum dipulangkan balik. Ni lagikan barang Tuhan kita. Takkan nak jaga sambil lewa je. Nak pulangkan balik yang reput-reput, yang berkulat, yang patah-patah, yang buruk-buruk. Tak malu ke ha?

Cadangan doktor tadi : Minyak Masak Cap Buruh bagus untuk digunakan.

Wallahu'a'lam.